Micro Cheating: What Is It and What Is It Not?
Feeling like your partner is crossing the line but can’t quite put your finger on what’s off? Or thinking about your close friend a little more than feels right? If these worries keep circling in your mind, let’s chat about micro-cheating.
What Is Micro Cheating?
Micro cheating is a term describing small actions that build an intimate emotional connection with someone outside your relationship. They’re subtle, sometimes unconscious, and not as clear-cut as a physical affair, yet they might take physical form like long hugs or intense eye contact.
What is micro cheating, according to experts? If it were a spectrum, it would be at the starting line, says psychologist Dr. Abby Medcalf. It’s not as deep as an emotional affair, but it might grow into a bigger issue if a couple overlooks it.
What Are Common Examples of Micro Cheating?
The exact definition is different for each person. The interpretation depends on the couple’s views on what’s acceptable and what isn’t, and it changes when you enter a new relationship. Therefore, the examples of micro-cheating might include (but are not limited to):
- Talking about “what if” scenarios that involve dating and intimate relationships.
- Making suggestive compliments, hints, and jokes.
- Acting like you’re single, especially online.
- Fishing for attention from one specific person.
- Secretly seeing an ex-partner or talking to them.
- Sharing deep thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears and desires.
- Using hidden dating apps and sites.
What Are Common Signs of Micro-Cheating?
Although subtle, small breaches of trust can damage the mental health of a micro cheater. The concept of the cognitive triangle explains how intrusive thoughts translate into emotions and behavior. Simply put, when you constantly think about someone or something, it will reflect in your behavior sooner or later.
This works the other way around, too: When you do something quite often, like sending flirty texts to another person, you experience anxiety and “circling” thoughts.
Thus, cheating, even in a “micro” form, is really hard to hide from an attentive partner. Here are some behavioral signs of micro-cheating:
- Your partner becomes emotionally distant and cold.
- Your partner suddenly starts nitpicking your every move.
- Your partner puts most of their time and energy into someone else.
- Your partner tries to hide the fact they’re talking to someone else.
- Your partner becomes defensive, irritated, or reserved when you ask them about someone else.
What Leads to Micro-Cheating?
Microcheating slips into a relationship when it becomes an “unsafe” space for one of the partners. This doesn’t mean anyone is abusive or dismissive. People often detach from relationships because the emotional load of fixing things with their partner is too hard to handle.
When this happens, a person tries to find a safe space in someone else. It could be a friend, colleague, or acquaintance. They keep turning to them for support instead of tackling relationship issues head-on simply because it feels easier and more comforting.
Is Micro-Cheating the Same As Emotional Cheating?
It’s, in most cases, a “light” emotional cheating. Secretly talking to another person, sharing innermost thoughts, making insider jokes, constant texting, and playful flirting are all types of cheating that go with that prefix “micro.”
However, a full-blown emotional affair is usually more intense than micro-cheating and has a clear romantic intention behind it. It doesn’t begin unconsciously: Both parties know what they’re getting into, and there’s no room for ambiguity.
How Does Micro-Cheating Affect Relationships?
Microcheating slips through existing cracks in your relationship: lack of trust, unresolved conflicts, and bottled-up offenses. If not fixed, these issues, along with emotional cheating, can lead to bigger problems because cognitive biases come into play.
Look at it this way: When your partner takes the energy from your relationship and pours it into someone else, they feel less satisfied with what you two have. This is not because your relationship is terrible, but because they stop investing in it over time.
The problem here is they don’t see things as they are. Communicating with you feels exhausting to them while spending time with that other person gives energy and lightness. They’re too tired to think deeply about your situation, so they go hunting for a quick dopamine hit, which comes from flirting and deep talks.
As a result, they might drift away from you to the point where the relationship gets unbearable for both of you.
Bottom Line: How to Deal With Micro-Cheating
It would be great if we could fix a relationship overnight with one heartfelt conversation, but that is just the beginning. You need to discuss your boundaries, define the meaning of micro-cheating in your relationship, and rebuild trust one step at a time. If you feel stuck in bitterness, frustration, or anger, getting help from a therapist will help you move on faster.
