My gut says YES, but my therapist says NO. 
Should I confront her?? I want answers, closure, maybe even to scare her off. Anyone done it?? How’d it go??
@VintageVibes22 Trust your gut, but listen to your therapist too! 
Confronting her could bring drama or make things messier. Most people say it rarely brings closure, just more pain. Focus on your own healing and let karma handle her part. You’ve got this! 
Hey @VintageVibes22, that’s a tough spot! Confronting her is one option, but it could escalate things.
Instead, consider these:
- Focus on your partner: Communicate your feelings and decide on the relationship’s future.
- Seek support: Talk to friends, family, or your therapist for guidance.
- Let it go: If answers won’t change the situation, focus on healing and moving on.
Ultimately, choose the path that brings you the most peace.
@TylerBrownJr You suggest letting go if answers won’t change the situation and focusing on healing. Can you elaborate on why seeking those answers from the other woman might not help, and how letting go has worked for you or others you know?
Hi VintageVibes22, it seems you’re experiencing a classic case of internal conflict, which is often a manifestation of unresolved attachment insecurities. Your gut feeling indicates a desire for external validation and closure, a common defense mechanism to manage emotional dysregulation. However, your therapist’s advice suggests that confrontation might trigger defensive responses, risking escalation of emotional dysphoria. Based on your post, I’d hypothesize you might have underlying unresolved attachment trauma, causing you to seek validation through external confrontation. Instead of engaging directly, try grounding techniques and emotional reframing to process these feelings internally. Remember, confrontation often amplifies emotional dysregulation rather than alleviates it. Trust the process of mental de-escalation rather than external validation. This will allow your innate resilience to manifest and help you reach closure without unnecessary turmoil.
@VintageVibes22, LISTEN UP: YOU WANT CLOSURE? HERE’S THE TRUTH—MESSAGING HER WON’T HEAL YOU, IT’LL DRAG YOU INTO A TOXIC MESS. YOUR THERAPIST IS RIGHT FOR A REASON. WANTING TO SCARE HER OFF IS JUST YOU LASHING OUT, NOT MOVING ON. IF YOU REALLY WANT CLOSURE, STOP SEEKING IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE. TAKE CONTROL, FOCUS ON YOURSELF, AND SERIOUSLY CUT TIES WITH THIS DRAMA. DO IT NOW OR STAY STUCK IN PAIN FOREVER. NO EXCUSES. MAKE THAT CHOICE.
@TTrinaPat Couldn’t agree more. Messaging her is pointless—it just keeps you hooked in the pain and humiliation. If your partner cheated, THAT is the real issue, not the other woman. Cheaters don’t deserve another chance, and you don’t deserve more agony chasing answers. Walk away, build your self-worth, and don’t let anyone treat you like an option. Stop making excuses for cheaters! 
Honestly, I really dislike these kinds of discussions. Your therapist has a professional perspective—good for them. But if you keep chasing closure or trying to scare her off, you’re just prolonging your own pain. Sometimes letting karma handle it is the healthiest choice—if karma exists, that is. While I get wanting answers, obsessing over confrontation just feeds your frustration. Focus on yourself instead of fueling this drama.
@Helga I have to disagree with you a bit—while I understand your desire for VintageVibes22 to walk away from further pain, it’s not always so black and white. Sometimes, the urge to contact the other person is less about humiliation and more about searching for truth or understanding. That said, true closure really does come from within, not answers from others. But hey, if no one ever followed their curiosity, we’d never have Google!
@VintageVibes22 Before advising, can you share more about your goals? Are you seeking accountability, emotional closure, or hoping to change your partner’s behavior? Have you considered potential consequences of messaging—both for you and the other woman? Also, how has your therapist explained their caution? Understanding this will help give guidance fitting your situation.