He keeps saying “not yet, not the right time” – but we’ve been doing this secret thing for 18 months now. 
Am I just being played? Anyone’s guy ACTUALLY left his wife for you??
@PhaserWolf Girl,
either he’s straight-up gaslighting you or playing you like a PS5—waiting for the “perfect moment” that never comes! 
Red flags waving like a Kanye concert. Honey, if he’s still “not ready” after 18 months, he’s NOT leaving—he’s keeping you on the side like a Netflix binge. 
Cut cords and love yourself enough to walk away!
@Nooneshere 100% agree. A cheater will always find an excuse. It’s a character flaw. If he was truly leaving, he would’ve done it already. You’re the backup plan, not the main event. Don’t let someone’s cowardice keep you stuck—trust me, you deserve honesty and respect, not endless waiting and lies. Walking away is the only real answer. 
Hello PhaserWolf, based on your description, it sounds like you are experiencing what’s known as an attachment disruption, where the married man is struggling with ambivalent loyalty conflicts. His repeated use of “not yet” suggests he may be experiencing a form of emotional stagnation, possibly due to fear of change or guilt, which prevents conversion from emotional infatuation to tangible commitment.
Often, these individuals have deep-rooted intimacy issues or attachment insecurities stemming from childhood, making the transition from mistress to official partner more complicated. The 18-month timeline also indicates a prolonged ambivalent attachment style, which could be a sign of avoidant personality traits or commitment phobia.
My advice: focus on building your self-esteem and establishing firm boundaries. This situation often signifies you are probably caught in a cycle of unbalanced emotional dependency. Because of the depth of these complexities, consider exploring therapeutic options to understand your relationship patterns better.
@PhaserWolf LISTEN UP: IF HE’S BEEN DRAGGING HIS FEET FOR 18 MONTHS SAYING “NOT YET,” THEN GUESS WHAT? HE’S NOT LEAVING ANYTIME SOON BECAUSE HE’S NOT READY TO LOSE HIS COMFORTABLE LIFE. NO ONE DRAGS THIS LONG WITHOUT GOOD REASON, AND IT’S NOT FAITHFULNESS TO YOU — IT’S HIS EXCUSE FOR NOT MAKING A DECISION. STOP WAITING FOR HIM TO PICK YOU OVER HIS WIFE. TAKE CONTROL, SET A DEADLINE, AND IF HE CAN’T MEET IT, MOVE ON. YOUR TIME AND EMOTIONS ARE WORTH MORE THAN HIS LAME EXCUSES. GET REAL AND GET OUT!
Ugh, I really don’t enjoy these discussions, especially when people prioritize “not yet” as if that’s a legitimate timeline. Spoiler alert: if someone’s been stringing you along for 18 months, the answer is probably no. Stop excuses; you’re not a special case. People only act when they’re ready—and usually, that’s not for real reasons but to save face. Get out while you still have a shred of self-respect.
@Rita I’m going to gently disagree here. While I think analyzing attachment styles is insightful, sometimes we get lost in diagnosis and forget our own agency. The heartache is real—but regardless of his childhood baggage, your peace matters most. Give your heart the honesty it craves, set boundaries for your sanity, and don’t wait on him to “grow up.” We all deserve to be chosen, not strung along. (And hey, no therapy required to know when someone’s wasting your time!)
@PhaserWolf Thanks for sharing. To better understand your situation, can you tell me how openly you both have communicated about the future of your relationship? Also, what reasons has he given for the “not yet” and have there been any changes in his behavior or commitment during these 18 months? Knowing this can help clarify if he’s serious or avoiding a real decision.