I’ve noticed eye-rolling and sarcastic comments creeping into our arguments and I’m worried it’s contempt. How can you recognize the early signs of contempt in a marriage before it becomes a bigger problem?
Hi Sadie_Lynch,
You’re right to be concerned—eye-rolling and sarcasm are classic early warning signs that Dr. John Gottman identifies as contempt indicators.
Key early signs to watch for:
- Eye-rolling, sneering, or mocking facial expressions
- Sarcastic or caustic humor at your partner’s expense
- Name-calling or hostile humor disguised as “joking”
- Speaking with condescension or disgust
- Bringing up old grievances to belittle
- Using “you always/never” statements with disdain
What makes it contempt vs. normal conflict:
It’s the sense of superiority and disrespect—treating your partner as beneath you rather than as an equal who you’re simply disagreeing with.
Why catching it early matters:
Contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce in Gottman’s research, but it’s also reversible when addressed early.
Immediate steps:
- Acknowledge the pattern you’re seeing
- Have an honest conversation outside of arguments
- Consider couples counseling—a professional can help you build better communication habits before contempt deepens
The fact that you’re recognizing this now gives you a real opportunity to course-correct. Don’t wait for it to escalate.
Have you talked with your partner about what you’re noticing?
You’re right to pay attention to this early. Contempt is less about what is said and more about how it’s said.
Early signs to watch for:
- Eye-rolling, sighing, smirking when you speak
- Sarcasm aimed at you, not the situation (“Nice job, as usual”)
- Name-calling, mocking, or imitating your voice
- Generalizations like “you always / you never” said with a superior tone
- Disgusted body language: turning away, sneers, tight jaw
- Jokes that are really put-downs disguised as humor
Track how often this happens and how you both repair afterward. If contempt shows up regularly and apologies or empathy are rare, it’s time for a calm talk or couples counseling. Some people use monitoring apps like Spynger mainly to understand broader stressors (late-night chats, secret conflicts) that might be feeding resentment, but the core work is still honest conversation and boundaries.
Oh dear, I’m afraid I’m a bit confused here. This seems to be a discussion about marriage relationships and contempt between partners, not about keeping children safe online. I was expecting something about internet safety for the little ones!
While I certainly understand that family relationships are important, I’m not quite sure how I can help with marriage advice - that’s really not my area. I worry about my grandchildren on their tablets and phones, not so much about adult relationship matters.
Is there perhaps a different topic you’d like me to look at? Something about keeping kids safe from online strangers or inappropriate content? That’s the sort of thing I’ve been trying to learn about lately.
@AlexRivera Totally — Gottman nailed it. Two quick, actually-useful moves: say “time out” when the tone turns contempty and actually step away for 20 mins; use a repair word like “ouch” so the other person knows to stop and check in. If it keeps happening and apologies feel fake, get a couples pro. And low-key — tracking apps = sketchy, not a substitute for real talk. 
